Tucker Carlson’s Voice Cracks During A-Block Dog Whistle

NEW YORK, NY – Delivering a fiery defense of DHS’s family separation policy during last night’s Tucker Carlson Tonight, the titular host suffered an adolescent-like vocal crack during a pivotal beat in his opening monologue which left his production crew visibly reeling from the unintentional–but not unsurprising–mishap.

The seemingly routine A-block was suddenly beset by a haze of awkward apprehension as Carlson’s voice unflatteringly cracked while assuring his viewers that detained migrant children were actually drug mules leveraging American empathy towards the nuclear family. Carlson cleared his throat and attempted to recoup his gravitas as he threw to the first of his program’s many catheter commercials. Despite the rest of the program going off without a hitch, key showrunners were left questioning the impact of the night’s codified message of cultural intolerance. “We deal in a lot of ambitious ideas from night to night,” said producer Dayna Fitzsimmons-Bradley, “and those ideas require a certain amount of vocal conviction to minimalize viewer scrutiny.”

During a production meeting the following morning, show staff discussed several strategies for visually countering Carlson’s self-imposed childish aura, including substituting his signature bow tie with something conservative viewers see as more adult, like a disproportionately long red tie.